A Golfing Anniversary
(Entering with their golf bags are CARL and ANNE. Both of them are wearing smiles on their faces and are dressed in other various golfing apparel. They have just finished the previous hole.)
(Setting down their golf bags.)
ANNE
I told you I could play.
CARL
I didn’t believe you. If I had known, I would have brought you along more often.
ANNE
You haven’t taken me golfing before because you were scared that I’d embarrass you?
CARL
No, I was afraid that you would embarrass yourself. I never offered before because I wanted to spare your feelings. If your feelings get involved in any way, it can have a tremendous effect on your game. Remember, golf is one of the most emotional sports known to man.
ANNE
You figured I would get as emotional as you do and that would distract you.
CARL
Honey, have you ever watched a game of golf? Those men might look tough and stoic on the outside but inside they’re just like you and me. With each missed putt they just want to run home and hide under their beds.
Everyone thinks that men who golf are these classy “Uppitty-Snooty” types, but not all of us are. Thank goodness.
ANNE
What about the women who play golf?
CARL
I don’t know much about them.
ANNE
Everyone thinks women golfers are a certain way. Rough, tough, and “take no guff” from anyone; but I read about a woman who plays in the PGWA in my Gardener’s For Life magazine, and now I know they’re perfectly normal just the way they are.
CARL
I guess it’s our job to prove everyone wrong then.
ANNE
Once and for all.
CARL
That’s why this is the perfect anniversary outing.
(They kiss.)
ANNE
So, who’s up?
CARL
What’s the score?
(Anne checks the scorecard.)
ANNE
After that magnificent birdie I just made: Carl has par and Anne has par. We’re tied.
CARL
Then it’s whoever wants to go first. Why don’t you go since you got lucky on that last hole?
(Anne looks to the hole, decides which club to use and takes it out. She sets up her ball on a tee and is ready to swing, but then she stops and turns to Carl.)
ANNE
Since I’m turning out to play better than either one of us expected, why don’t we make this a little more interesting?
CARL
Make golf more interesting? How?
ANNE
Let’s see who can get the best score on this hole.
CARL
How is that different from any other hole?
ANNE
Oh, I don’t know. How about the winner doesn’t have to water the flowers tonight?
CARL
You’re on.
(Anne sets herself up again.)
Hold it. If you’re so confident, then why don’t we make it a little more interesting?
ANNE
I’m listening.
CARL
Why don’t we say that the winner of this hole doesn’t have to… I don’t know… visit your father next week.
ANNE
(Turning)
You don’t want to visit Daddy?
CARL
I’d love to visit your daddy but the thing is …
ANNE
You don’t like him?
CARL
It’s not that I don’t like him, it’s that he’s mean to me. The last twelve years I have done nothing but make you happy and how does he thank me? With disdain. Cold, boorish, and unwarranted disdain. I do whatever I can not to see him face to face.
I schedule all my tee times whenever he’s coming for a visit.
ANNE
I just thought you were being rude.
CARL
I was. Because of your father.
ANNE
Fine. But if I beat you, I can go out whenever your mother comes for a visit.
CARL
Do you ever know when my mother comes for a visit?
ANNE
No! That’s what makes it so annoying.
CARL
Alright. If you win, then no mother. If I win, then no father. Deal?
ANNE
Deal.
(Anne sets her self up. Stops and turns.)
We’re being honest now, right? Because there’s something I haven’t told you.
CARL
Were we not being honest before?
ANNE
(Summons up the courage)
I hate golf. I can’t stand it. It is the most boring game, it’s boring, and you are obsessed with it. As your wife, how do you think that makes me feel?
CARL
I have no idea.
ANNE
Terrible! My husband is the most boring man alive and I’m stuck with that!
CARL
A lot of men like golf.
ANNE
And that’s why your whole sex is boring! I propose that if I win this hole, we walk off this golf course and go somewhere I want to go.
CARL
Which is where?
ANNE
The flower show.
CARL
The flower show?! It smells in there. No one can breathe in that floral mausoleum.
ANNE
I breathe fine in there.
CARL
Then you must not have evolved from something with nostrils.
ANNE
And you must not have evolved from something that ever has fun!
CARL
Are you calling me some kind of sloth-person?!
ANNE
If the golf shoe fits!
CARL
Go smell your roses!
ANNE
If I win, we go to the flower show.
CARL
If I win, then I play another round and you have to be my caddy!
ANNE
Deal.
(Anne sets herself up again. She is more focused than she has ever been in her life.)
ANNE
(Irritated)
Can you not breathe so loud?
CARL
What?
ANNE
Your breathing. It’s distracting me.
CARL
I have to breathe to live, Anne.
ANNE
You can’t hold it for ten seconds?
(Anne watches as Carl takes in a deep breath of air and holds it. Anne sets up.)
ANNE
(More irritated)
Don’t look at me like that!
CARL
(Letting out the air.)
Like what?
ANNE
Like you were with your cheeks all puffed and your eyes bulging out. It’s annoying. You look like you just ate a peanut. Turn around and face the other way.
(Carl does.)
Close your eyes.
(Carl does.)
And hold your breath!
(Carl takes a deep breath. Anne sets up her shot. Carl sneezes.)
Damn it!
CARL
I don’t think all this deep breathing is good for my allergies.
ANNE
Then why don’t we take it easy and go to the flower show?
CARL
That would kill me! If my allergies are acting up out here just imagine what that gas chamber would do.
ANNE
Then let’s just go home!
CARL
Out of the question. A good golfer always finishes his game. No matter what.
ANNE
So, if I don’t want to finish this game, I’m a bad golfer?
CARL
You are the worst golfer I have ever seen or played with ever. Every shot you’ve taken has been pure luck.
ANNE
If you’re tied with the worst player you’ve ever seen or played with, then you must really stink.
CARL
It’s an off day!
ANNE
I’ve never been golfing with you before. How do I know every day isn’t an off day?
CARL
Because I am a golfer! I come to play golf. I am devoted to the game. If golf were a woman, she would be more than satisfied each and every time I plunge the spikes on my shoes into her grass.
ANNE
I’m a woman. I’ve never been satisfied like that by you.
CARL
That’s because you come from a father who is so evil that happiness and satisfaction are impossible!
ANNE
I don’t have to listen to this.
(Anne takes off her wedding ring and replaces the ball on the tee with it.)
CARL
Anne, what are you doing?
(Anne sets up her shot.)
Anne! Stop!
(Carl runs to Anne and tries to pry the golf club out of her hand. Anne fights back.)
ANNE
How dare you say things like that about my daddy! Say you’re sorry about what you said!
CARL
Never! He is an awful man who does nothing but berate me with insults and tells me what a bad husband I am!
ANNE
What about your mother?
(Anne steps on Carl’s toe.)
She never leaves us alone. We never get a break from her. She’s always barging in on us when we least expect it.
CARL
She doesn’t barge in. She always calls first.
ANNE
At two that morning!
CARL
You’ve never liked her. You’ve always had a hidden passion to see her gone.
ANNE
I’ve always had a hidden passion to see her dead!
CARL
You are a terrible golfer and you don’t know the first thing about flowers!
ANNE
I know that they can be fertilized and that you have never gotten me pregnant!
(Both freeze in shock of what Anne just said.)
CARL
You wanted a child?
ANNE
No. I don’t know why I said that. I lost my head right there and it just came out. You know I love you and I love it just being us.
(They drop the club and embrace each other. Anne lets go, retrieves her wedding ring, and puts it back on her finger. Carl picks up the golf club.)
ANNE
Let’s go home.
CARL
But we’re only on the twelfth hole. There are eighteen in a full game.
ANNE
I can’t play this anymore. It’s doing something to my head. Let’s just go to the flower show and forget all this ever happened.
CARL
That would definitely do something to my head like send me into anaphylactic shock.
(There is an awkward silence as Anne turns away and Carl cleans the golf club.)
ANNE
How about this? How about you stay and finish your game and I go to the flower show. That way I don’t die of boredom and you don’t … die.
CARL
I like the sound of that.
(They kiss. Anne packs up while Carl sets up his shot.)
Wait! What about visiting your father next week?
ANNE
What about your mother? Who knows when she’s coming?
CARL
Since this anniversary didn’t turn out the way we would’ve wanted it to, what would you say that next week— instead of visiting your father— we go away on a vacation?
ANNE
As long as you don’t spend the whole time golfing.
CARL
Why would I? Your father won’t be there.
ANNE
And neither will your mother.
CARL
Happy anniversary, honey.
ANNE
Happy anniversary.
(Blackout)
End of Play
William R. Boersma is currently a playwriting student at DePaul University. William has also published his scripts Animals and The Boys, The Bed, And The Balsa with the company YouthPLAYS. As always, William’s thanks go out to his family and friends for all their support.