Reconciling My Ethnicity.
I’ve been “WHITE”
all my LIFE.
“HAWAII”
bleeds and screams within me,
but my clean and mostly snowy flesh
has always hidden that piece of my deep
DIVERSITY.
So, all my life,
I’ve abided by SOCIETY’s eyes
and lied,
saying I’m 4/4 WHITE,
which is fine.
After all, even when I confided
in some “kind-open-minds,”
they’d promptly dismiss me,
ignoring my heritage and lineage,
rejecting every family story or rice-based recipe
my colorful father taught me,
claiming,
“You’re only trying
to snatch your small batch of unique ‘impurity’
to fane ‘freakness’
and justify your LIFE
instead of realizing,
like all WOKE-WHITES,
that your LIFE
is wasted time.”
And, most nights,
I’d believe them
and think,
“I have no right
to say I’m not all-WHITE.
Look at my skin!
To say otherwise is petty.
I’m just a HONKY
trying to hide the many sins
my WHITE skin
has branded me with.”
I clung to these self-deprecating anxieties
until one freighting evening.
One recent night,
I re-analyzed my family tree
and realized
My HAWAII-flaunting Grandma
is from “PANAMA.”
I’m
1/4 FILIPINO,
(My family resides in HAWAII)
1/8 PANAMANIAN,
and
5/8 WHITE.
(SCOTTISH/IRISH)
(Did my family even believe in slavery?)
Somehow, I’ve muddled and denied
entire pieces of me
all my LIFE,
and that kills me.
Now, this morning,
I desperately want to discover
more
about my missing DIVERSITY.
But, at the end of this Monday’s learning journey
and every uncovering awaiting me,
what will become of me?
Will I finally find my IDENTITY?
Or, will I be doomed to WHITE depravity?
Please, feel free
to tell me…
Caleb Delos-Santos (he/him) is a senior double majoring in English and Acting at Azusa Pacific University. He recently published his first two poetry books, A Poet’s Perspective and Once One Discovers Love. Caleb has also published forty-two other poems and two non-fiction pieces with several magazines, including North Dakota Quarterly and Translate Iowa Project. While at APU, Caleb has won the Esselstrom Writing Prize, worked as an associate editor for West Wind Magazine, written devotionals for the reThink Group, and presented poetry at the CCL Western Regional Conference and the 2023 Sigma Tau Delta Convention. Today, Caleb dreams of a successful writing career.