Leaha Eidman

The Carousel Ride

Alarm goes off, the sound pierces my ears; wake up.

Press Snooze, just 10 more minutes; back to sleep. Alarm goes off, piercing my ears a second time; wake up.

Get up. Get out of

bed.

             Find the motivation. Get up.

                      Where is it? You have to find it.

Brush my teeth, dentist says two minutes.

Brush my hair, hairdressers orders. Put on

makeup, society says so. Everyone else

does it-so should I. Do they feel this way?

 

dresses and skirts-she looks nice. sweatpants

and sweatshirts-she must be sick. jeans and t

shirts-I won’t stand out.

 

Lock the doors. House is

safe.

             Get in the car. Don’t speed.

                        Here we go again. Inhale. Walk through the halls,

keep your head down; sit in class. So many faces; everyone

looks so comfortable with themselves. Why don’t I? Stop.

They’ll notice you’re weak. Act confident.

 

answer questions-everyone stares.

stay quiet-participation drops.

answer a question-I won’t stand out.

 

Done for today. Exhale.

             Time to go home. Made it.

                       It’ll get better. Another day. Lights off,

the darkness surrounds you; get in bed. Lights on,

you forgot again; it shouldn’t be this hard. Lights off,

today is finally done; get in bed.

 

Alarm goes off… Press Snooze… Alarm goes

off…

 

First Things

                            What’s the first thing that comes to

                            mind?

-When you’re asked where you want to be?

            is it a

            place?

                        or… is it a person? Is it by the ocean, warm weather, the sound

                        of waves roaring in the background, the cool breeze on on your

                        skin while the sun is beating down?

                                          or… Is it the warm embrace of someone you love, someone

                                          you miss, the person you want to be with at the end of a bad                                            day?

-When you’re asked where you see yourself in fifteen years?

         can you see

         it?

                       or… do you see nothing at all? Is it a stable job, a loving husband,

                       kids sitting around the table waiting to eat the meal you have just

                       prepared, living in a two story house with a fireplace?

                                      or… Is it nothingness, the only answer you can come up with is

                                      “I don’t know…” and you truly mean it?

-When you’re asked who you

love?

                     is it your friends, family, significant other?

                                     or… is it yourself? Is it those you surround yourself with, the

                                     ones who support you and push you to be your best, the ones

                                     who supposedly know you the best?

                                                        or… Is it you, the person your stuck with forever, the

                                                        person who does everything with you, the person

                                                        who changes with you because they are you?

 

It’s not love.

She begged no, but he

only heard “yes.”

 

She screamed stop, but he

thought it was a “game.”

 

She was suffocated by her

tears, but he “didn’t see that.”

 

She was left speechless; unable to move, but he assumed she was

“sleeping.”

 

***

 

She began isolating

herself,

   no one asked why, but eventually she was

   alone. left with nothing but pain he caused.

     While he would brag to his friends.

 

She believes what you said about her,

the words burned into her mind as painful as the force he

used that night leaving bruises on her mind like he did on

her body. While he doesn’t think twice about her.

 

She’ll never forget that night,

and the memories attack her each one as vivid

as the next, the sights, smells, sounds. While

      he hasn’t thought about it since.

 

She hid it from everyone for five years,

five years that ate away at her, her personality,

her vision of self worth; it still eats away at her

everyday. While he will never admit it.

 

***

 

because he moved on with his life,

           but I never will.

 

 

Leaha M. Eidman is a student at St. John Fisher College in Rochester, NY. She is pursuing a degree in Psychology with minors in English and Interdisciplinary Studies. These are her first published works.

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