daddy heartbreak
i’m a little girl all over again asking daddy to tie my shoes
the one who can’t ride the bike without her training wheels
the one afraid of the dark
no love to be shown from mommy and daddy
mommy is sad again
quick. hide.
daddy is mad. daddy is drinking.
daddy cries after he releases the monster im afraid of
he says sorry.
but i’m actually the one sorry .
i caused daddy to be mad again
my body burns and it aches.
i hide but he is still there.
i pretend i don’t hear his sobs coming from the other room, pleading to God but what can he do?
he is never present whenever the monster is unleashed
why must God allow this to happen to me? i tried to be daddy’s little girl but the liquor is my enemy.
i love him but why doesn’t he love me back?
i’ve held onto hope for so long, it has only proven to me that is dangerous and stupid to cling onto.
daddy is the monster who hides behind the closet door and underneath my bed waiting to strike again.
mommy and I are his punching bags.
but God forgives all, right? so why can’t i do the same?
why do i clench my teeth or hold my breath when he is near?
i’m the little girl all over again afraid and confused.
no dark corner will save me from his sudden and unexpected wrath.
they all knew, i waited to be saved. why didn’t they care?
there was no saving
i had to do it myself and in the process i lost myself.
i lost my family. i lost my sisters and he will always be to blame for this hole in my heart, for the two absent little girls I deserved to see grow up.
Maritza is someone who has overcome many obstacles in her life. She has always been the one taking care of others when no one took care of her. She played the role of mom and dad from an early age to her three other siblings when placed into the foster system. Despite Maritza feeling angry and betrayed by her father she always put her feelings aside and played the roles. Maritza endured abuse and neglect because of her father and his drinking problem. Her father was her savior but also the monster under her bed.
Writing has been the one thing that has always been there for her in desperate times of need. It is how she copes with everything she has gone through. As a kid, she never saw herself living past thirteen but now attends one of the top universities and soon will make it to her twenties. A first-gen student who is breaking many cycles at a time. She hopes to be reunited with the sisters she always writes about in her work.
Now, as a young adult, she hopes to give a voice to those who don’t have it. She hopes to reach those who went through the same things as she did and be there because she didn’t have a shoulder to cry on. She has finally regained her voice back. Now she is deciding to speak up about her childhood traumas in order to begin her healing journey toward forgiveness for her younger self and her now.